8 weeks!!

Well, I've made it. It feels good to be past my m/c date (7w2d). It's odd, but at times I almost feel bad b/c I don't feel bad. I swear, that makes sense, even if only in my crazy preggo mind. What I mean is, I have a lot of friends that are PG after a m/c as well and it seems like they have days that they just completely freak out all day long. We call it having a PAL brain (that would be Pregnant After Loss). It does change the way you see PG. It's no longer this wonderful 9 months journey that always ends in a screaming bundle of baby. Sometimes, it's a torture...painful and horrible with no reward at the end except a m/c date and maybe a surgical procedure. So, you can see why your brain is wired differently after experiencing the heartache of loss. Now, here's why I sometimes feel bad. While I'm still totally a PAL and I have been more cautious with this PG then I ever was with the last two (no caffeine, making 100% certain I take my vitamins and iron, no lifting, nothing too strenous, no tummy sleeping, etc), I have this peaceful reassurance that all is well and I haven't had a PAL freak out. I still check the TP everytime I go to the bathroom, just to make sure there's nothing there and I still have a little mini heartattack when the gas feels like cramps, but honestly, it's been so mild that it's almost unnoticeable. I think that's part of the reason why I haven't really been posting much on my messageboards. I just feel a bit out of place. I don't fit in with the first time moms, those that are naive and don't know about loss, but I also don't feel like I fit in with those who know loss. I'm just stuck in the middle. It's okay, b/c I honestly don't have to fit in anywhere to be happy, I'm just simply here..and that's okay.

When I got pregnant with Logan, I just simply knew that I would have a baby at the end..and not just a baby but a perfect little healthy bundle. As we all know, I was spot on. I knew when we started TTC for #2 and then got PG that it wasn't going to be an easy PG. I didn't know that I would have a m/c, but I knew it was going to be hard. This time, I feel the same way as I did with Logan. I'm just simply okay with it. Now, that has a massive potential for disaster and we'll know more in a week, but for now, I'm just content. It's weird for me to feel that way. It's strange b/c after the m/c I just simply knew if I could just get PG again it would be fine and so far, I'm right. That's not to say I couldn't be wrong, but I just don't feel like I am.

I have my first appointment in a week. That's another weird thing. When I got PG with Logan, I was mad that they made me wait until 8 weeks to see the nurse, then 12 weeks to see the doctor. It was at 12 weeks that I had my first u/s to check for dating. Last time, I wanted to get in ASAP. I was almost frantic about insisting that I get into the orientation immediatly and I wanted the bloodwork done that day. I didn't even wait for the insurance (which covered it, but I didn't care). I just knew I had to have the bloodwork done. That led to disaster. For a few weeks it was nothign but blood draws and bruised arms (I looked like a heroine addict) and faltering numbers and eventual spotting and finally a m/c baby. This time, I'm so okay with the fact that I haven't even gone yet. I took that first test and that was enough for me. I did the digitals to appease Bill (and b/c I just liked seeing them) but I didn't even feel like I needed to. I was okay. I haven't had any blood work done, even though I easily could have, b/c I just simply don't feel the need to be reassured in that way. I'm just confident in the PG for some unexplained reason and I am more then okay with that!

So, I've reached 8 weeks and the morning sickness has faded some. Still have some nausea and sore girls and dizziness if I stand up too fast. I'm still EXHAUSTED (yes it needs to be yelled) and grouchy and hungry but not really wanting to eat. My tummy has started to..umm..not grow..but change. I don't tend to gain wait, my body just changes shape. My smallest jeans no longer fit properly. My middle sized jeans are not going to last much longer. Luckily I bought some nice comfy big relaxed fit jeans with the gift card my mom gave me for Christmas. It's PJs only at home right now b/c it's the most comfortable! My feet have been like ice cubes continually and it drives me crazy. With Logan I was burning up hot all the time..now, I freeze. I swear if I spit it would be an icecicle!!

I'd post a belly pic..but umm..ewww! Don't get me wrong, I love belly pics, but since I don't really show in the traditional sense and I have a rather large belly to begin with..I'm just totally not into it! I promise, in a week I will post an u/s pic, b/c I'm going to insist that Dr. Holland throw me on the machine..I want to SEEE this baby..and make sure that Bill's wrong and Logan too. It's only A baby..1..uno..single...no twins for me!